I just sat in the library for an hour after doing linguistics homework not doing anything in particular. I stared aimlessly at my surroundings and not thinking much of them. I was really just pondering about life. Y’know, the typical stuff… what am I doing, where am I headed, what the fuck is wrong with me… same old, same old. Everyone thinks about that shit. I’m at a point where I am completely uncertain about everything, I feel like I have accomplished not even a single damn thing, and nothing is seeming to work out. My life problems are impeding my judgment, and I really was paralyzed by the thought of my existence. Basically, a whole bunch of philosophical bullshit.
Concurrently, I can bet that there’s a man across the world in Japan who has no idea where his family is. He sees that his house has no remnants whatsoever of what it used to be. He is thinking about what he could have possibly have done to have changed his fate. He has no idea how he’s going to feed himself tomorrow, let alone whether or not he’s going to have the capacity to even bear living another day with all the grief, guilt, and sadness.
Reading that, you’re probably thinking, “Clearly, Paul’s problems are completely insignificant to that dude in Japan. C’mon, that guy’s life is in shambles. Now Paul’s gonna write about how you should feel bad for that Japanese guy and that you need to stop thinking about yourself for once.”
You see, a paragraph ago, that’s probably what I would have done. Not amymore.
Now this may sound a little selfish, but who’s to say whose problems matter more? Honestly, I think my problems are pretty damn important. Does that mean that people should pool their resources and help me out instead of the other guy? I’m not saying that you all should do that, but clearly, my problems are more important to me because they are what’s plaguing me at the moment. Do I have to consider the other guy’s life in trying to solve what ails me? Yes, I acknowledge that this Japanese guy’s life is currently miserable. I have no idea what I would be doing in his situation. But what does he have to do with me?
I feel like people want to stone me right about now for saying that my problems are more important. We all know I’m the queen of wanting to help people. I’m hoping to dedicate my life to helping African children, for Christ’s sake. And we all know that one of the concepts that I live by is that each person on this world affects each other person for the rest of eternity (I know, it’s fucking daunting, isn’t it?). However, don’t act like you have never thought that your problems are the only thing in the world that matters. If that weren’t the case, you would never get anything done, and you’d be absolutely selfless. Which you aren’t. Don’t try and pretend that there was never a time where you didn’t give a fuck about anyone else, and you did what you wanted to do. Just admit it, already. You’re a little selfish. But you have to be in order to survive.
But also remember, that you and your choices are part of a larger scheme of life. What you do and how you solve your problems is ultimately going to affect the next person in line. It is bound to create a dilemma for someone else, and for that person, it will become the most important thing in the world. It’s like passing a baton of shittiness in the relay race that is called life.
I don’t necessarily know where I’m going with this at all. Maybe what I’m trying to say is that it’s okay to be just a little bit selfish. Not all the time, though. That’s not good either. You just have to keep a balance, I suppose. And take that as you will. Do what’s good for you. But do what’s good for everyone else, too. In an ideal world, those would sync up, and the world will be jolly, and unicorns would fly alongside all the rainbows. But it just doesn’t work out that way.
Goddamn. I’m at a loss of words.
I’m going to sleep now. Sorry, I just abruptly ended my thoughts, but I can’t fathom thinking anymore.
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